It is 12:00am and I can't sleep. I tried to go to bed early (10pm) and it failed. I took DS to San Diego today to go to the beach again. Our house was being cleaned and we had to be out of the house anyways. Might as well go to the beach ...right?
Anyways, I was in a weird mood when I got there. I felt tired, but not sleepy tired. I just felt out of it. I felt like a party pooper.
We went out to see my friend and her kids who are staying at a beach house with her family for two weeks. I just felt like I was dragging them down with my weird "mood". Anyways, she convinced me to stay for dinner and go back home after traffic, so I did.
That evening before dinner, my DS began to have fit because he could not play with a gun like the other boys. He wanted the gun they have not the small one. His little fit turned into an absolute break down and he would not pull himself together. The more he cried, the more upset he got, and the more mad he got. We was kicking and screaming and even trying to hit me and bite me. It was horrible and I did not know what to do. At that point, giving him a spanking was not going to help. We just need to get out of there and go home. However, I dreaded the thought of dragging him to the car that was parked down the street. I had to carry my kicking and screaming son plus all my beach bags. My friend came out and helped me. He still would not calm down on the way to the car. It took both of us to get him to the car. I felt like such a horrible mother. "What did I do wrong?" I asked myself. "Why is my child so incredible upset over such a stupid thing". I was embarrassed and concerned.
We finally got him into my car seat and I drove off to head home on my 1.5 hour drive back. He continued to cry and kick the front seat for at least 15 more minutes.
After finally settling down and allowing me to stop and get us some food so we could eat some sort of dinner before we went home, I started to feel better and enjoy the pretty sunset behind us. It was a gorgeous ride home until....I saw flashing lights behind me asking me to pull over. Yep! I got my very first speeding ticket EVER! I was shocked. I really don't think I was speeding and I honest think he was ticket happy because he drove from one car to my car and then pulled over another car after giving me my ticket. He said I was driving 84 mph, which is BS! I never drive over 80 and I saw that he was there ahead of time and slowed down before I passed him. I know I slowed down to 65 and might have creaped up to 70 because of the hill. After passing him, I passed the car he just pulled over and that was just pulling out and gaining speed. He said that car was going 76 mph which is BS too. There is no way that car could reach 76 mph that fast by the time I past him.
Anyways...when he asked me for my driver's license and registration I told him that this was my very first time getting a ticket and that I was 33 years old. After saying that I felt the tears starting to roll through. Next thing I knew I was balling.
The police officer just said, "Wow that is amazing, good job, please let me see your drivers license, proof of insurance, and registration." as I continued to cry and get even more upset when I could not find my proof of insurance and gave him an expired registration.
Thankfully he told me to please have my proof of insurance in my wallet when I get home and keep it there. Then he handed me the ticket. After he left my car and got in his, I continued to cry and cry and cry my eyes out. I could not stop. Much like my DS earlier. Only I was not kicking, screaming, and biting the police officer. Although, it would have been nice. :wink:
I had to sit there a while because I cried so muck I was dizzy and light headed, not ready to drive yet. I just sat there on the side of the freeway in the mountains as the sun set and it slowly got dark.
Finally I started up the car again and began to drive home. I started to realize that I might be able to fight my ticket. I realized that there is no way he used a radar. He said I "probably" was going 84 mph and looked up like he was thinking about it. There are way to many factors that tell me he was wrong. I suddenly felt better and thought about what I would tell the court when I went to fight the ticket. I had turned my tears into WAR PAINT.
When I finally got home. My DH came out and got DS out of the car seat and put him to bed upstairs. I started to clean out the car and get all the beach gear out that had been left in there since the weekend. I had a bike in there too. After pulling it out, my towel had gotten stuck in the chain and pulled the chain off the gears when I loosened it. I was ready to fix it right then but my DH said no I fix it tomorrow. I said, "no I would rather fix it now. I can do it"
Then he said, "No I'll do it tomorrow". After a few "back and fourths" on that topic I started to get agitated that he won't let me fix my bike now when it is not hot and the car is pulled out so there is room to do it. Finally he gave in (huffing and puffing about it) and turned the bike over to put the chain back on the spikes. Gee, funny that it only took 5 seconds to do that small little task. It almost seemed like and issue of not getting his hands dirty or something.
Anyways... that lead to some tension and I finally had to tell him to "Get off me". I had a bad day and he needed to "Get off and leave me alone". He knew I got the ticket because I called him earlier. He knew I was upset because I was crying on the phone. He knew I had a hard time with Myles before we left. Yet, for some reason he did not under stand why I would say "Get off me". So he got upset and dug a little more. With my last words ending in "F---king bad day"...I marched up stairs and got ready for bed.
Keep in mind that in the 6 years of being married to my DH, we rarely ever cuss in our home or at each other. Those are forbidden words in our relationship. They are words that come out only when they are truly meant and a line has been crossed. Thankfully, our DS had never witnessed those moments. But because they are such carefully chosen words, DH always knows I am truly upset when they come out and he actually does leave me alone. Sad that it has to come to that point and he could not take the hints from the events that happened before I got home.
So here I am venting on the computer and practically writing my journal entry on FF. I guess that Chi-Latte I had on the way home is still working to the max. I guess that is why I can't sleep. Sadly I have to go walking at 5:30am too. Ugg.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
My Mom
Well April has arrived which means my mother's d-day is around the corner. She died April 17th, 1999 - 10 years ago. I am thinking about visiting her grave site for the first time in 10 years. I am still a little afraid to go. For one it is about 4 fours away to get there and two, I am afraid how it will effect me. Will I break down into tears? Will I have no tears at all and feel bad because I didn't cry? Will she even have a head stone?? The reason I say that is because after she died, my aunt asked me if I would buy the head stone for her. At that time I was only 22 and had very little money. I was also a complete wreck after my mother's death and had no strength to create a head stone. It wasn't something I was ready to do as I was still trying to accept that she was gone.
So if I go there and she still does not have a head stone, I will feel really bad. But I will make it right and give her a head stone if she needs one. I can finally afford one for her if I need to.
I have been thinking about her a lot lately. She is on my mind almost every day. I feel like I should do something special this month for her. I have been thinking about getting a tattoo for years in remembrance of her. I was very close last year and then chickened out. This would be a perfect year to do that, but part of me thinks my mother would not really like me getting a tattoo in her honor. I don't think she was the tattoo type of lady. So I am not sure about the tattoo anymore. I think if I got one, it would have to be for another reason. Overall, I would say visiting her grave site would be special enough for her 10 year d-day.
Along with thinking of her, I have been gathering questions that I would ask her if I had a chance to. I have been thinking about my mother's Tarot Cards and wonder how often she used them and if she had any psychic gift with them. She also had stones that she use to meditate with. I remember seeing her laying on the bed with a pink stone in her hand and holding it close to her heart. She also told us stories about her experience with seeing spirits. I think she as said she put her hand through one and her hand got cold when she went to turn a light on. She even said she sensed spirits in our house as well. As a young child, I don't know if I was freaked out from her telling me that or if I could feel them too. There were many times that I was scared in our house and felt like there was something in my room or down the hall. We had mirrors at the end of our hall way and it was always a freaky thing to walk down the hallway in the dark. When I had sleep overs that was always the dare at night was to walk down the hall in the dark and face the mirrors.
After my mother passed away, I did find her Tarot Cards and they looked very used. They looked like she used them A LOT. I really wonder if she had a gift or just used them for fun or for hope that her future would change for the better. I will say that if she were alive today, I think she would love being a grandmother. She would have loved Myles (my son). I think my husband would have enjoyed her as well. She had an infectious laugh and fun personality. She was a little goofy, but that is what was cool about her. She was different.
As I get older, I can see a lot of her personality in me. All the things that bugged me about her when I was younger are becoming a part of my personality now. I was such a little brat when I was a young teen. I felt like I was smarter than her and I made fun of her with my friends as they all thought she was weird when she would talk about her stones and her crystals.
My mother did not have a lot of friends and dedicated most of her last 22 years to my brother and I. She was a great mother! She was a stay at home mom and my dad worked across the street at his business that he owned. I had a great childhood because of them. I could not ask for a better child hood. I had great neighbor hood friends and we took a lot of family trips that I will never forget. We were a great family of four. My mother cooked us a wide variety of healthy foods but always make us a yummy desert for later. She was actually pretty cool and I wonder if that is how I am now with my son. Hopefully Myles doesn't think I am weird when he is a teen like I did for my mom!
She also let me experience life and do things that might not happen is this generation.
I climbed the roof and jumped off once onto a mattress
I climbed tall ladders and jumped off with an umbrella
I slid down our steep hill behind the fence and into the ditch on a card board box
My bother and I would roll down hour hill in the box (with the large staples still in the box)
I slipped through the fence all the time and traveled down the ditch until I could not go any further.
I went on long bike rides, farther than a child should go with not helmet or pads
I crossed our four lain busy street all the time!
My bother and I played in the front yard gutter when it rained and it filled up with a big river of water
(we actually have a picture floating around with my brother and I in our bathing suits, under an umbrella, in the rain, in front of the little river flowing through our front house during the rain)
These are all things that a parent would never let happen today. However thanks to the freedom she gave me, I became very independent at a young age and was able to take care of myself when we lost our home and all our money. I moved in with my best friend's family and finished the last three years of high school with them. I forged all the parental signatures and got a job to help pay for my first semester of collage. I applied for a scholarship and moved 6 hours away from home to a four year university. I graduated in 1999 with a degree in Family and Consumer Science. She died one month before I finished collage. I graduated on my birthday, May 28th, 1999.
There is no way I would have done all this if she would have stood over me my entire child hood and said "no" to everything. I love her for that! Who knows, maybe it was her being naive and she had no idea I was doing those things. Or maybe she knew and peaked at me to make sure I was ok with out me knowing. I do know that things happen for a reason and my childhood was the foundation that I needed to push forward our difficult times. My life has been faced with many challenges and I have always manages to find away to get out of it, push forward, and make things right again. I would not be where I am today if it were not for my courage and pursaverance that I inhereted as a child.
I really wish I new more about my mom before she had us and what kind of person she was. What did she do for fun? What was her favorite song? What was her favorite color? Did she have any psychic or medium abilities? What was up with the Tarot Cards and the stones??
You would think I would know all these answers, but I don't. I moved out at the age of 14 (or was it 15?) and just visited her and talked to her on the phone. When we talked it was about me and what I was up to. I do remember some of her stories, but I wish I could hear them again along with some new ones that I never heard before or forgot about. All I know now is that I miss her and wish I could give her a big hug and kiss. I would also like to be held by her and have that feeling that "everything is going to be alright". I miss her hugs and I miss her smell.
Dear Mom,
I love you and I miss you a lot. I am sorry it took me this long to appreciate you. But I do and I see more of you in me each day. I feel like I am understanding you more each year I grow and experience motherhood. I feel like I am discovering you through being a mother to Myles. I guess that is why I think about you so often. I hope I am as great of a mother as you were. And I hope Myles is a little more kind to me than I was to you. I am so sorry I broke your heart when I moved out. I am so so sorry. You dedictated a portion of your life to me and I crushed it by moving out. I could have stayed and gone another direction in life. I could have stayed and kept you company for the next 5-8 years. But I didn't.
However, my experiences away from home made me a better person and it lead me to a good life ahead. Maybe you saw that too and forgave me. I hope so. I hope I make you proud and I hope you can see how adorable your grandson is. I know he would love you and fallow you everywhere if you were here.
You are always on my mind and in my heart.
Forever Love,
-Trina
So if I go there and she still does not have a head stone, I will feel really bad. But I will make it right and give her a head stone if she needs one. I can finally afford one for her if I need to.
I have been thinking about her a lot lately. She is on my mind almost every day. I feel like I should do something special this month for her. I have been thinking about getting a tattoo for years in remembrance of her. I was very close last year and then chickened out. This would be a perfect year to do that, but part of me thinks my mother would not really like me getting a tattoo in her honor. I don't think she was the tattoo type of lady. So I am not sure about the tattoo anymore. I think if I got one, it would have to be for another reason. Overall, I would say visiting her grave site would be special enough for her 10 year d-day.
Along with thinking of her, I have been gathering questions that I would ask her if I had a chance to. I have been thinking about my mother's Tarot Cards and wonder how often she used them and if she had any psychic gift with them. She also had stones that she use to meditate with. I remember seeing her laying on the bed with a pink stone in her hand and holding it close to her heart. She also told us stories about her experience with seeing spirits. I think she as said she put her hand through one and her hand got cold when she went to turn a light on. She even said she sensed spirits in our house as well. As a young child, I don't know if I was freaked out from her telling me that or if I could feel them too. There were many times that I was scared in our house and felt like there was something in my room or down the hall. We had mirrors at the end of our hall way and it was always a freaky thing to walk down the hallway in the dark. When I had sleep overs that was always the dare at night was to walk down the hall in the dark and face the mirrors.
After my mother passed away, I did find her Tarot Cards and they looked very used. They looked like she used them A LOT. I really wonder if she had a gift or just used them for fun or for hope that her future would change for the better. I will say that if she were alive today, I think she would love being a grandmother. She would have loved Myles (my son). I think my husband would have enjoyed her as well. She had an infectious laugh and fun personality. She was a little goofy, but that is what was cool about her. She was different.
As I get older, I can see a lot of her personality in me. All the things that bugged me about her when I was younger are becoming a part of my personality now. I was such a little brat when I was a young teen. I felt like I was smarter than her and I made fun of her with my friends as they all thought she was weird when she would talk about her stones and her crystals.
My mother did not have a lot of friends and dedicated most of her last 22 years to my brother and I. She was a great mother! She was a stay at home mom and my dad worked across the street at his business that he owned. I had a great childhood because of them. I could not ask for a better child hood. I had great neighbor hood friends and we took a lot of family trips that I will never forget. We were a great family of four. My mother cooked us a wide variety of healthy foods but always make us a yummy desert for later. She was actually pretty cool and I wonder if that is how I am now with my son. Hopefully Myles doesn't think I am weird when he is a teen like I did for my mom!
She also let me experience life and do things that might not happen is this generation.
I climbed the roof and jumped off once onto a mattress
I climbed tall ladders and jumped off with an umbrella
I slid down our steep hill behind the fence and into the ditch on a card board box
My bother and I would roll down hour hill in the box (with the large staples still in the box)
I slipped through the fence all the time and traveled down the ditch until I could not go any further.
I went on long bike rides, farther than a child should go with not helmet or pads
I crossed our four lain busy street all the time!
My bother and I played in the front yard gutter when it rained and it filled up with a big river of water
(we actually have a picture floating around with my brother and I in our bathing suits, under an umbrella, in the rain, in front of the little river flowing through our front house during the rain)
These are all things that a parent would never let happen today. However thanks to the freedom she gave me, I became very independent at a young age and was able to take care of myself when we lost our home and all our money. I moved in with my best friend's family and finished the last three years of high school with them. I forged all the parental signatures and got a job to help pay for my first semester of collage. I applied for a scholarship and moved 6 hours away from home to a four year university. I graduated in 1999 with a degree in Family and Consumer Science. She died one month before I finished collage. I graduated on my birthday, May 28th, 1999.
There is no way I would have done all this if she would have stood over me my entire child hood and said "no" to everything. I love her for that! Who knows, maybe it was her being naive and she had no idea I was doing those things. Or maybe she knew and peaked at me to make sure I was ok with out me knowing. I do know that things happen for a reason and my childhood was the foundation that I needed to push forward our difficult times. My life has been faced with many challenges and I have always manages to find away to get out of it, push forward, and make things right again. I would not be where I am today if it were not for my courage and pursaverance that I inhereted as a child.
I really wish I new more about my mom before she had us and what kind of person she was. What did she do for fun? What was her favorite song? What was her favorite color? Did she have any psychic or medium abilities? What was up with the Tarot Cards and the stones??
You would think I would know all these answers, but I don't. I moved out at the age of 14 (or was it 15?) and just visited her and talked to her on the phone. When we talked it was about me and what I was up to. I do remember some of her stories, but I wish I could hear them again along with some new ones that I never heard before or forgot about. All I know now is that I miss her and wish I could give her a big hug and kiss. I would also like to be held by her and have that feeling that "everything is going to be alright". I miss her hugs and I miss her smell.
Dear Mom,
I love you and I miss you a lot. I am sorry it took me this long to appreciate you. But I do and I see more of you in me each day. I feel like I am understanding you more each year I grow and experience motherhood. I feel like I am discovering you through being a mother to Myles. I guess that is why I think about you so often. I hope I am as great of a mother as you were. And I hope Myles is a little more kind to me than I was to you. I am so sorry I broke your heart when I moved out. I am so so sorry. You dedictated a portion of your life to me and I crushed it by moving out. I could have stayed and gone another direction in life. I could have stayed and kept you company for the next 5-8 years. But I didn't.
However, my experiences away from home made me a better person and it lead me to a good life ahead. Maybe you saw that too and forgave me. I hope so. I hope I make you proud and I hope you can see how adorable your grandson is. I know he would love you and fallow you everywhere if you were here.
You are always on my mind and in my heart.
Forever Love,
-Trina
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Struggling to Feel Good
Today was a weird day. I slept for 12 hours and it completely through me off for the day. In fact, I feel like I have been off for the week. I was feeling so good for a couple weeks and then it stopped. I feel like I have been struggling to feel good again. It is sort of depressing.
My dreams have been weird as well. Last night I had a dream wear I was a man with a daughter and we were living in a world where we were isolated from another world. Basically our land was surrounded by walls. Almost like a massive castle and we lived on the grounds with no way out. Well the people were over taken my savages and I was trying to find a way to escape. I found a small square hole that could be opened like a latch or a mail box. When I opened it, I could see hills and tons of land. As I spotted in seeing this discovery, I managed to squeeze through and fall onto the ground. I began to run, knowing I had left my daughter behind, but I knew I they would not hurt her and I could go back and rescue her when they were not looking. I ran and ran and ran and was finally free.
Anyways, maybe that is similar to how I have been feeling. I am trying to feel good again and struggling to get there. Today was the worse. I was tired and dizzy. I could not get anything done. I really hope tomorrow is better. I am also worried about my health. I should go to the doctor, but I am either scared they will find something or I am worried they will find nothing and then I will feel stupid for going and for thinking something is wrong.
My dreams have been weird as well. Last night I had a dream wear I was a man with a daughter and we were living in a world where we were isolated from another world. Basically our land was surrounded by walls. Almost like a massive castle and we lived on the grounds with no way out. Well the people were over taken my savages and I was trying to find a way to escape. I found a small square hole that could be opened like a latch or a mail box. When I opened it, I could see hills and tons of land. As I spotted in seeing this discovery, I managed to squeeze through and fall onto the ground. I began to run, knowing I had left my daughter behind, but I knew I they would not hurt her and I could go back and rescue her when they were not looking. I ran and ran and ran and was finally free.
Anyways, maybe that is similar to how I have been feeling. I am trying to feel good again and struggling to get there. Today was the worse. I was tired and dizzy. I could not get anything done. I really hope tomorrow is better. I am also worried about my health. I should go to the doctor, but I am either scared they will find something or I am worried they will find nothing and then I will feel stupid for going and for thinking something is wrong.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Lost
I am sitter here depressed and wondering what to do. Well maybe not depressed, just feeling blah and disappointed. Last week I felt content and happy. I felt like something good was going to happen and that everything was going to be fine. I found out I was pregnant and then I felt even better. The I found out I wasn't pregnant anymore and now all those happy feelings are gone.
For the past few weeks I have been on a purification program where I eat only fruits, veggies, chicken or fish, and brown rice. Along with that I drink a healthy nutritious shake three times a day. I felt so good. The only beverage I drank is water. No coffee and no alcohol was allowed. Well, after finding out I was not pregnant anymore, I went on a binge and at junk food and drank alcohol during the past two days. I feel like crap and I hate myself for giving up on everything I had done prior. I just want to feel like I did before.
So...should I stop drinking all together? Is that what I am suppose to do. I feel like it has been a struggle for a long time. I know I feel better when I don't drink. But I also have a lot of fun with friends when I do drink. Is it really a big deal in my life. I am not an alcoholic or anything. I just happen to think my body runs better when I don't include alcohol in my life.
Anyways...those are my thoughts right now. I am sure a lot of these thoughts are from the miscarriage and just being sad about it. I want a baby so badly and I just can't understand why it is not happening. It makes me wonder why and it makes me point fingers at myself as if I am doing something wrong.
I hate throwing these little "pity parties" for myself. But I can't help it.
It is just one of those days of feeling lost and not know what where to go with my life. I feel like I waiting for something and it is getting aggravating on how long that something is taking. I have tried my hardest figure out what it is or even to do my part and search for it. I have looked for new jobs and have found nothing or have been turned down my jobs I have prospected. I have looked into adoption agencies and fostering and have met obstacles either from my husband or from qualifications and money issues. We tried for another baby, hoping the "third time was the charm". Yet still we miscarried once again for the third time. Now I have another obstacle, my husband, who feels we may not be meant to have anymore children.
Today I just feel so lost in life. I wish someone who come and grab me and take me out of the darkness that I have been stuck in for the last few months.
For the past few weeks I have been on a purification program where I eat only fruits, veggies, chicken or fish, and brown rice. Along with that I drink a healthy nutritious shake three times a day. I felt so good. The only beverage I drank is water. No coffee and no alcohol was allowed. Well, after finding out I was not pregnant anymore, I went on a binge and at junk food and drank alcohol during the past two days. I feel like crap and I hate myself for giving up on everything I had done prior. I just want to feel like I did before.
So...should I stop drinking all together? Is that what I am suppose to do. I feel like it has been a struggle for a long time. I know I feel better when I don't drink. But I also have a lot of fun with friends when I do drink. Is it really a big deal in my life. I am not an alcoholic or anything. I just happen to think my body runs better when I don't include alcohol in my life.
Anyways...those are my thoughts right now. I am sure a lot of these thoughts are from the miscarriage and just being sad about it. I want a baby so badly and I just can't understand why it is not happening. It makes me wonder why and it makes me point fingers at myself as if I am doing something wrong.
I hate throwing these little "pity parties" for myself. But I can't help it.
It is just one of those days of feeling lost and not know what where to go with my life. I feel like I waiting for something and it is getting aggravating on how long that something is taking. I have tried my hardest figure out what it is or even to do my part and search for it. I have looked for new jobs and have found nothing or have been turned down my jobs I have prospected. I have looked into adoption agencies and fostering and have met obstacles either from my husband or from qualifications and money issues. We tried for another baby, hoping the "third time was the charm". Yet still we miscarried once again for the third time. Now I have another obstacle, my husband, who feels we may not be meant to have anymore children.
Today I just feel so lost in life. I wish someone who come and grab me and take me out of the darkness that I have been stuck in for the last few months.
Dreams
I have had dreams where part of them have come true or have pointed in a direction. When I was pregnant a few months ago, I had a dream that I had a miscarriage. A few days later I had a miscarriage. A couple weeks ago I had a dream I couldn't walk very well and they told me at the hospital that I was pregnant. When I woke up I had a sharp pain in my low back that made it hard to walk and bend over for days. It was really weird and I had no idea how I injured my back. A couple weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. However, I lost that pregnancy a couple days ago.
I also had a dream a few months ago that I was in a auto accident and my friends husband was driving drunk. My family and his family were in the car and I went flying through the windshield in the back seat. It was very real and I woke up feeling slightly paralyzed as in my dream I was dead, walking with someone who was wearing white. I was in a hospital gown.
I called my friend and told her about the dream and that her husband was drinking and driving. She said there as been a problem with them and his drinking. She has been warning him to not drink and drive. A week or two later, he got pulled over for drinking and driving and lost his driver licence. He is still not able to drive. Hopefully this has taught him a valuable lesson and my dream will never come true.
I recently had a dream about one of my good friends who is going though a tough time with a divorce and financial problems with her house. I had a dream she was doing really well and living in a bigger house with plenty of money. She was very happy and her family was living with her in a separate part of the house. I felt very happy for her when I woke her up. The next morning I called her and told her to call me so I could tell her about my dream.
Anyways...for some reason many of my dreams have had meaning and sometimes they have come true. I am not sure why this is suddenly been happening. It has been very interesting.
One dream that keeps sticking in my mind was a dream I had several years ago before my son was conceived and we were trying. I had a dream I met Jesus. He had red short hair, freckles, and was familiar too me. I took an elevator up to see him. When I met with him he told me I should stop drinking. I was drinking quite a bit on weekends and I had a feeling I needed to tone it down a bit. I also asked him if we would ever have children. He smirked and said "oh yes." From that point I had a feeling that there was going to be more than one child. Early that next year, I got pregnant with our first child ( I had also worked on quiting or keeping it to a two drink limit when I do go out for a drink with friends).
Since then we have been trying for another child. I still feel like we are missing a child from our family. It all stems from that dream. I really feel like we are missing someone. I also had someone tell me we would have three children. She looked at my hand and said, " I see three". That through me for a loop and is now sticking in my head. I am still working on #2.
Anyways we have had several miscarriages and no second child. I am still figuring out whether the next child is suppose to be biological or an adopted child. For a while I thought maybe it we might adopt. I had a strong feeling about it a few months ago and then I lost that feeling and started trying for a baby again. We just miscarried again a few days ago (with no dream or warning) and I am searching again for answers again. I have not had any dreams or feelings of what to do next. At this point I am lost on what to do.
Anyways...overall I have had some memorable dreams that are high lighted in my mind.
I also had a dream a few months ago that I was in a auto accident and my friends husband was driving drunk. My family and his family were in the car and I went flying through the windshield in the back seat. It was very real and I woke up feeling slightly paralyzed as in my dream I was dead, walking with someone who was wearing white. I was in a hospital gown.
I called my friend and told her about the dream and that her husband was drinking and driving. She said there as been a problem with them and his drinking. She has been warning him to not drink and drive. A week or two later, he got pulled over for drinking and driving and lost his driver licence. He is still not able to drive. Hopefully this has taught him a valuable lesson and my dream will never come true.
I recently had a dream about one of my good friends who is going though a tough time with a divorce and financial problems with her house. I had a dream she was doing really well and living in a bigger house with plenty of money. She was very happy and her family was living with her in a separate part of the house. I felt very happy for her when I woke her up. The next morning I called her and told her to call me so I could tell her about my dream.
Anyways...for some reason many of my dreams have had meaning and sometimes they have come true. I am not sure why this is suddenly been happening. It has been very interesting.
One dream that keeps sticking in my mind was a dream I had several years ago before my son was conceived and we were trying. I had a dream I met Jesus. He had red short hair, freckles, and was familiar too me. I took an elevator up to see him. When I met with him he told me I should stop drinking. I was drinking quite a bit on weekends and I had a feeling I needed to tone it down a bit. I also asked him if we would ever have children. He smirked and said "oh yes." From that point I had a feeling that there was going to be more than one child. Early that next year, I got pregnant with our first child ( I had also worked on quiting or keeping it to a two drink limit when I do go out for a drink with friends).
Since then we have been trying for another child. I still feel like we are missing a child from our family. It all stems from that dream. I really feel like we are missing someone. I also had someone tell me we would have three children. She looked at my hand and said, " I see three". That through me for a loop and is now sticking in my head. I am still working on #2.
Anyways we have had several miscarriages and no second child. I am still figuring out whether the next child is suppose to be biological or an adopted child. For a while I thought maybe it we might adopt. I had a strong feeling about it a few months ago and then I lost that feeling and started trying for a baby again. We just miscarried again a few days ago (with no dream or warning) and I am searching again for answers again. I have not had any dreams or feelings of what to do next. At this point I am lost on what to do.
Anyways...overall I have had some memorable dreams that are high lighted in my mind.
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