I am sitter here depressed and wondering what to do. Well maybe not depressed, just feeling blah and disappointed. Last week I felt content and happy. I felt like something good was going to happen and that everything was going to be fine. I found out I was pregnant and then I felt even better. The I found out I wasn't pregnant anymore and now all those happy feelings are gone.
For the past few weeks I have been on a purification program where I eat only fruits, veggies, chicken or fish, and brown rice. Along with that I drink a healthy nutritious shake three times a day. I felt so good. The only beverage I drank is water. No coffee and no alcohol was allowed. Well, after finding out I was not pregnant anymore, I went on a binge and at junk food and drank alcohol during the past two days. I feel like crap and I hate myself for giving up on everything I had done prior. I just want to feel like I did before.
So...should I stop drinking all together? Is that what I am suppose to do. I feel like it has been a struggle for a long time. I know I feel better when I don't drink. But I also have a lot of fun with friends when I do drink. Is it really a big deal in my life. I am not an alcoholic or anything. I just happen to think my body runs better when I don't include alcohol in my life.
Anyways...those are my thoughts right now. I am sure a lot of these thoughts are from the miscarriage and just being sad about it. I want a baby so badly and I just can't understand why it is not happening. It makes me wonder why and it makes me point fingers at myself as if I am doing something wrong.
I hate throwing these little "pity parties" for myself. But I can't help it.
It is just one of those days of feeling lost and not know what where to go with my life. I feel like I waiting for something and it is getting aggravating on how long that something is taking. I have tried my hardest figure out what it is or even to do my part and search for it. I have looked for new jobs and have found nothing or have been turned down my jobs I have prospected. I have looked into adoption agencies and fostering and have met obstacles either from my husband or from qualifications and money issues. We tried for another baby, hoping the "third time was the charm". Yet still we miscarried once again for the third time. Now I have another obstacle, my husband, who feels we may not be meant to have anymore children.
Today I just feel so lost in life. I wish someone who come and grab me and take me out of the darkness that I have been stuck in for the last few months.
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Sometimes the lesson about being pregnant is not the journey but the time it takes to get there. I see you and your husband going through a bit of turmoil each time you loose a baby. But I also see this about growing closer, getting further connected..etc.
ReplyDeleteI read your storey on the blog, thank you for posting that. And NEVER feel guilt or regret on the people who you could not have helped. You can only offer. I think that its WONDERFUL that you were willing to offer your help with losing weight. Some people though are meant to follow that path. His rejection of your help was more of a way to point you in the right path. Have you thought of even helping/guiding people online with their weight? Giving them perhaps a detailed plan of what to eat/not to eat and how to do it.. some people follow things better with a plan and perhaps you could tailor something to each person. Not to mention that this could also be something you did from home and provided a bit more income:)
Cheri22