Today was a weird day. I slept for 12 hours and it completely through me off for the day. In fact, I feel like I have been off for the week. I was feeling so good for a couple weeks and then it stopped. I feel like I have been struggling to feel good again. It is sort of depressing.
My dreams have been weird as well. Last night I had a dream wear I was a man with a daughter and we were living in a world where we were isolated from another world. Basically our land was surrounded by walls. Almost like a massive castle and we lived on the grounds with no way out. Well the people were over taken my savages and I was trying to find a way to escape. I found a small square hole that could be opened like a latch or a mail box. When I opened it, I could see hills and tons of land. As I spotted in seeing this discovery, I managed to squeeze through and fall onto the ground. I began to run, knowing I had left my daughter behind, but I knew I they would not hurt her and I could go back and rescue her when they were not looking. I ran and ran and ran and was finally free.
Anyways, maybe that is similar to how I have been feeling. I am trying to feel good again and struggling to get there. Today was the worse. I was tired and dizzy. I could not get anything done. I really hope tomorrow is better. I am also worried about my health. I should go to the doctor, but I am either scared they will find something or I am worried they will find nothing and then I will feel stupid for going and for thinking something is wrong.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Lost
I am sitter here depressed and wondering what to do. Well maybe not depressed, just feeling blah and disappointed. Last week I felt content and happy. I felt like something good was going to happen and that everything was going to be fine. I found out I was pregnant and then I felt even better. The I found out I wasn't pregnant anymore and now all those happy feelings are gone.
For the past few weeks I have been on a purification program where I eat only fruits, veggies, chicken or fish, and brown rice. Along with that I drink a healthy nutritious shake three times a day. I felt so good. The only beverage I drank is water. No coffee and no alcohol was allowed. Well, after finding out I was not pregnant anymore, I went on a binge and at junk food and drank alcohol during the past two days. I feel like crap and I hate myself for giving up on everything I had done prior. I just want to feel like I did before.
So...should I stop drinking all together? Is that what I am suppose to do. I feel like it has been a struggle for a long time. I know I feel better when I don't drink. But I also have a lot of fun with friends when I do drink. Is it really a big deal in my life. I am not an alcoholic or anything. I just happen to think my body runs better when I don't include alcohol in my life.
Anyways...those are my thoughts right now. I am sure a lot of these thoughts are from the miscarriage and just being sad about it. I want a baby so badly and I just can't understand why it is not happening. It makes me wonder why and it makes me point fingers at myself as if I am doing something wrong.
I hate throwing these little "pity parties" for myself. But I can't help it.
It is just one of those days of feeling lost and not know what where to go with my life. I feel like I waiting for something and it is getting aggravating on how long that something is taking. I have tried my hardest figure out what it is or even to do my part and search for it. I have looked for new jobs and have found nothing or have been turned down my jobs I have prospected. I have looked into adoption agencies and fostering and have met obstacles either from my husband or from qualifications and money issues. We tried for another baby, hoping the "third time was the charm". Yet still we miscarried once again for the third time. Now I have another obstacle, my husband, who feels we may not be meant to have anymore children.
Today I just feel so lost in life. I wish someone who come and grab me and take me out of the darkness that I have been stuck in for the last few months.
For the past few weeks I have been on a purification program where I eat only fruits, veggies, chicken or fish, and brown rice. Along with that I drink a healthy nutritious shake three times a day. I felt so good. The only beverage I drank is water. No coffee and no alcohol was allowed. Well, after finding out I was not pregnant anymore, I went on a binge and at junk food and drank alcohol during the past two days. I feel like crap and I hate myself for giving up on everything I had done prior. I just want to feel like I did before.
So...should I stop drinking all together? Is that what I am suppose to do. I feel like it has been a struggle for a long time. I know I feel better when I don't drink. But I also have a lot of fun with friends when I do drink. Is it really a big deal in my life. I am not an alcoholic or anything. I just happen to think my body runs better when I don't include alcohol in my life.
Anyways...those are my thoughts right now. I am sure a lot of these thoughts are from the miscarriage and just being sad about it. I want a baby so badly and I just can't understand why it is not happening. It makes me wonder why and it makes me point fingers at myself as if I am doing something wrong.
I hate throwing these little "pity parties" for myself. But I can't help it.
It is just one of those days of feeling lost and not know what where to go with my life. I feel like I waiting for something and it is getting aggravating on how long that something is taking. I have tried my hardest figure out what it is or even to do my part and search for it. I have looked for new jobs and have found nothing or have been turned down my jobs I have prospected. I have looked into adoption agencies and fostering and have met obstacles either from my husband or from qualifications and money issues. We tried for another baby, hoping the "third time was the charm". Yet still we miscarried once again for the third time. Now I have another obstacle, my husband, who feels we may not be meant to have anymore children.
Today I just feel so lost in life. I wish someone who come and grab me and take me out of the darkness that I have been stuck in for the last few months.
Dreams
I have had dreams where part of them have come true or have pointed in a direction. When I was pregnant a few months ago, I had a dream that I had a miscarriage. A few days later I had a miscarriage. A couple weeks ago I had a dream I couldn't walk very well and they told me at the hospital that I was pregnant. When I woke up I had a sharp pain in my low back that made it hard to walk and bend over for days. It was really weird and I had no idea how I injured my back. A couple weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. However, I lost that pregnancy a couple days ago.
I also had a dream a few months ago that I was in a auto accident and my friends husband was driving drunk. My family and his family were in the car and I went flying through the windshield in the back seat. It was very real and I woke up feeling slightly paralyzed as in my dream I was dead, walking with someone who was wearing white. I was in a hospital gown.
I called my friend and told her about the dream and that her husband was drinking and driving. She said there as been a problem with them and his drinking. She has been warning him to not drink and drive. A week or two later, he got pulled over for drinking and driving and lost his driver licence. He is still not able to drive. Hopefully this has taught him a valuable lesson and my dream will never come true.
I recently had a dream about one of my good friends who is going though a tough time with a divorce and financial problems with her house. I had a dream she was doing really well and living in a bigger house with plenty of money. She was very happy and her family was living with her in a separate part of the house. I felt very happy for her when I woke her up. The next morning I called her and told her to call me so I could tell her about my dream.
Anyways...for some reason many of my dreams have had meaning and sometimes they have come true. I am not sure why this is suddenly been happening. It has been very interesting.
One dream that keeps sticking in my mind was a dream I had several years ago before my son was conceived and we were trying. I had a dream I met Jesus. He had red short hair, freckles, and was familiar too me. I took an elevator up to see him. When I met with him he told me I should stop drinking. I was drinking quite a bit on weekends and I had a feeling I needed to tone it down a bit. I also asked him if we would ever have children. He smirked and said "oh yes." From that point I had a feeling that there was going to be more than one child. Early that next year, I got pregnant with our first child ( I had also worked on quiting or keeping it to a two drink limit when I do go out for a drink with friends).
Since then we have been trying for another child. I still feel like we are missing a child from our family. It all stems from that dream. I really feel like we are missing someone. I also had someone tell me we would have three children. She looked at my hand and said, " I see three". That through me for a loop and is now sticking in my head. I am still working on #2.
Anyways we have had several miscarriages and no second child. I am still figuring out whether the next child is suppose to be biological or an adopted child. For a while I thought maybe it we might adopt. I had a strong feeling about it a few months ago and then I lost that feeling and started trying for a baby again. We just miscarried again a few days ago (with no dream or warning) and I am searching again for answers again. I have not had any dreams or feelings of what to do next. At this point I am lost on what to do.
Anyways...overall I have had some memorable dreams that are high lighted in my mind.
I also had a dream a few months ago that I was in a auto accident and my friends husband was driving drunk. My family and his family were in the car and I went flying through the windshield in the back seat. It was very real and I woke up feeling slightly paralyzed as in my dream I was dead, walking with someone who was wearing white. I was in a hospital gown.
I called my friend and told her about the dream and that her husband was drinking and driving. She said there as been a problem with them and his drinking. She has been warning him to not drink and drive. A week or two later, he got pulled over for drinking and driving and lost his driver licence. He is still not able to drive. Hopefully this has taught him a valuable lesson and my dream will never come true.
I recently had a dream about one of my good friends who is going though a tough time with a divorce and financial problems with her house. I had a dream she was doing really well and living in a bigger house with plenty of money. She was very happy and her family was living with her in a separate part of the house. I felt very happy for her when I woke her up. The next morning I called her and told her to call me so I could tell her about my dream.
Anyways...for some reason many of my dreams have had meaning and sometimes they have come true. I am not sure why this is suddenly been happening. It has been very interesting.
One dream that keeps sticking in my mind was a dream I had several years ago before my son was conceived and we were trying. I had a dream I met Jesus. He had red short hair, freckles, and was familiar too me. I took an elevator up to see him. When I met with him he told me I should stop drinking. I was drinking quite a bit on weekends and I had a feeling I needed to tone it down a bit. I also asked him if we would ever have children. He smirked and said "oh yes." From that point I had a feeling that there was going to be more than one child. Early that next year, I got pregnant with our first child ( I had also worked on quiting or keeping it to a two drink limit when I do go out for a drink with friends).
Since then we have been trying for another child. I still feel like we are missing a child from our family. It all stems from that dream. I really feel like we are missing someone. I also had someone tell me we would have three children. She looked at my hand and said, " I see three". That through me for a loop and is now sticking in my head. I am still working on #2.
Anyways we have had several miscarriages and no second child. I am still figuring out whether the next child is suppose to be biological or an adopted child. For a while I thought maybe it we might adopt. I had a strong feeling about it a few months ago and then I lost that feeling and started trying for a baby again. We just miscarried again a few days ago (with no dream or warning) and I am searching again for answers again. I have not had any dreams or feelings of what to do next. At this point I am lost on what to do.
Anyways...overall I have had some memorable dreams that are high lighted in my mind.
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